When I wake to feed my daughter
Published by Posh Dog Press in their ‘Motherhood in Lockdown’ Anthology
The light-filled days are simpler now
they shine in raging technicolour
life stripped bare to the bloom
but was it always this bright?
and we watch stacked in our concrete
boxes, from balconies and from
newly washed windows
and we watch it alone.
I march out my prayers along
pastel-chalked pavements
of hopscotch and hope
swerve and smile at strangers
see blossom swirl, hear the hush
of the trees, watch white birds catch
the light of the shining sky
old worries sent up in the sway
spend a moment to notice how the leaves
dance against my white kitchen wall
hear a wood-pigeon call, send love
from the safety of my screen
but when I wake to feed my daughter
in the inky undulation of the night
I think about the certain wreckage
of it, the stubborn march of it, the
too-soon tears of the bereaved
the mass graves and mask-marked faces
lungs watered in liquid, last breaths
no loved ones can witness
and I wonder whether grief
will weave its way to my backdoor
as life as we know it sinks like a stone
can we rebuild in bricks and mortar
or will it be blood and bone?
and I long for the open hills
at the back of my childhood home
and I long to show my mum the
mother I have become
to lay my head in her lap and
feel her stroke my hair like she did
waiting again for her to say
it will all be ok; it will all be ok.
An extra note
This poem was written in early April 2020 when the trees in Amsterdam were blooming bright pink with cherry blossom and the streets were empty and soaked in peace. But then I’d switch on the news and see horrific images of the wreckage that Covid-19 was causing around the world. I found it hard to reconcile the two experiences in my mind and - as ever - it tended to be in the middle of the night that troubling thoughts caught up with me.
And yes, as a new mum when I wrote this (Aimi was four months old) one of the hardest things about lockdown (and living in another country) was missing my own mum :)
This poem is featured in Posh Dog Press’s brilliant anthology ‘Motherhood in Lockdown’, curated by Daisie Lane.